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This is the Weazel News feed. This is where you will find all the current breaking and sometimes live news being reported by our team of reporters.

What you can expect

Videos, pictures of recent events, write-ups.

Grossly exaggerated stories and sometimes, edited pictures for your reading pleasure.

Updated daily.

- - - 

 

 

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-Weazel News Team

 

Please bare in mind, all of these reports are based on roleplay, they written in humour and have no mal-intent or real personal bias directed at anyone. Please do not comment on the thread unless you are Weazel news as it breaks up the flow of news.

Thank you.

 

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Teddy Winkle

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Tuesday 22nd September 

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Weazel News has received multiple reports of a 'Spice' epidemic hitting our once drug free Island. Spice, a once legal synthetic alternative to Cannabis was outlawed in 2016 under the Psychoactive Substances Act. Local residents have named and shamed a man known only as "Mick" as the "Spice Lord". Weazel News has learned that Mick is from liverpudlian descent and unconfirmed reports suggest he has been working in collusion with Police Officer Matt Miller. Weazel News reached out to the LSPD to understand if these claims were true. Sgt. Brick Carstein said he had no knowledge of Officers Millers criminality but in interview advised he felt that "Zero Officers are honest", a claim that may not come as a surprise to all. Officer Carstein went on to advise that PC Chris Lee is currently the subject of ongoing and continuous complaints made from both within and outside the force. PC Lee, who we understand has suffered from severe alcoholism has on more than one occasion scared officer Carstein with his actions. "He has fired his gun" while drunk on duty and would have murdered people if he wasn't such a poor shot while drunk. Weazel News will continue to track these stories and more over the coming days, for now though, this has been Weazel News coming in your eye. 

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Thursday 24th September 

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Disturbing scenes were witnessed early Wednesday morning when a young child on their way to school was attacked and viciously beaten off of their bike. In a strange turn of events the attacker was none other than someone paid to protect the public. The officer in question declined to provide his name but gave his badge number as 4453. When asked by Weazel News why he would do such an abhorrent act his response stunned our reporters and will no doubt shock some of our readers. "One thing I hate is Kids, if there is something I hate more than Kids its Kids on Bikes." The Child was taken to Pillbox hospital where their condition remains critical but stable for now. The Mother of the child who wished to remain anonymous advised that Police had attended her address and stated that any attempts to inform the IOPC would result in her and her child's untimely demise.

A local Gym once operated by the Houdini brothers has been taken over by a new company calling themselves the Plebs. A spokesman for the Plebs Maison advised that "The Plebs are taking over". Residents of the gym have suggested that so far they have seen no increased spend of what is already outdated gym equipment, time well tell if this take over will benefit the local area.

 

 

 

 

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Sunday 27th September 

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Shocking scenes on Sunday evening, Office Chris Lee was shot and left of dead in the street. The shooting took place in the Morrispoons car park, a location well known for the sale of illegal firearms. Witnesses on the scene advised they saw Chris Lee take a number of Combat Pistoles out of his car and was looking to exchange these for money. An argument broke out when Chris decided to "change the price"of the weapons which lead to tensions rising and the near fatal shooting to take place. NHS were quick to respond and Officer Lee was patched up and bears only a few minor scars of the events. Questions are being asked within the Police force the legality of Officers Lees conduct, one PC who wished to remain anonymous told Weazel news  "its only a matter of time before he gets caught, today he was lucky". When approached for comment Officer Lee had this to say, "i will not and never will give comment to Weazel News" he then went on to advise he will be filling a restraining order on Weazel News presenter Teddy Wrinkle. "I can only assume he doesn't wish his shady dealings to become public" said Teddy.

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22/09/2020

Alien Invasion causes havoc in Los Santos

Shock and awe swept the city last week when out of the blue a swarm of UFO’s were reported. Local drunks in Legion Square ran for their lives as mass disorder unfolded in-front of everyone's eyes. “I was just drinking my special brew.” Said Local Drunk. “Then This UFO ship landed over there and I think one over here too and then bang bang bang!” He shouted. “Then these shiny aliens shot at a local gang members, it was crazy!” The local drunk said, unable to remember his name. He shortly collapsed later after the ordeal. Weazel News were able to obtain snapshots from city CCTV before they were suspiciously all wiped by government officials in black jackets.

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These reports sparking conspiracy theories over the city council working with extra-terrestrials, while attempting to cover up the situation entirely.

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Last known footage of missing gang members.

 

Reports from earlier in the day also highlight some sudden abductions and disappearances, one eye witness who wants to remain anonymous said “I was on a call and the man in question was just abducted off his bike, the bike then just fell to the ground, like he just disappeared into thin air.”

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Weazel News have received this statement from the local authority “Majority of the members from the OCG The Peaky Blinders are reported missing after the described ‘Alien Invasion’ If you have any information please contact your safer neighbourhood team.” This has been Weazel News coming in your eye.

 

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21/09/2020

New establishment, Morrispoons has been doing a roaring trade. Whether it’s a full English or a pint and some pork scratchings, the citizens of Los Santos are now thoroughly fed. A man wearing a raccoon mask and a large rucksack said that it’s purely down to the award winning chef. “Not the suspiciously large quantities of a substance that resembles baking powder that seems to travel in and out of the cellar.”

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In other news, serial bigamist Frank Walker of the Corleone Family witnessed a mass arrest in Legion Square. Claiming it to be either firearm or drug related. His wife, who wouldn’t provide her name, but mentioned she was actually Frank’s disabled first cousin said that human trafficking was on the rise in Los Santos and a lot of them are her fellow cousins, who, Frank intends on marrying as well.

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Edited by Loyalty
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24/09/2020

Officer Chris Lee was caught with his pants down yet again, rushing to turn off his computer screen while reporter Eva Sinclair was currently in his custody. Teddy Wrinkle managed to get this one snap before he was forcibly removed from the Vespucci PD. As sloppy as his police work he left his previous video on his screen as he unlocked it to book her in for nothing other than running a red light.

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As the classic intro music ensued, he struggled to turn it off resorting to smashing the keyboard, throwing the monitor towards innocent by-standers including a member of Gruppe6. He then continued to threaten Weazel News with restraining orders and defamation for reporting on his recent brushes with local gang members, illegal selling of firearms and his heavy use of alcohol while on the job to calm his nervous twitches.

He continued to not provide his own statement on recent events, so we can only assume this must mean they are true.

 

This has been Weazel News, coming in your eye.

 

 

 

 

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29/09/2020

 

New Interceptor is a real hit with the ladies

 

 

Emily Westbrook gave Weazel News and exclusive interview into the life as a front-line traffic cop, extremely excited about the new Interceptor. Her and fellow officer, Veikko Knight quickly expressed their delight in the new addition to the LSPD’s arsenal. “The back seats are really comfortable, like, they really cushion your knees.” Emily said. When quizzed about Officer Chris Lee’s latest scandals, Emily quickly turned the subject back on to what her and Veikko get up to during their downtime.

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“It gets really hot in the back sometimes.” Emily said, Veikko being suspiciously quiet, looked uncomfortable and hung up a call from his wife to confirm that he has 35TB of images of Emily receiving his world renowned ‘massages’ before asking her to sit on the bonnet of the new Interceptor, he took a snap and undoubtedly added that to his collection as well. When asked about Chris Lee Veikko carried on furiously snapping pictures of Emily oblivious to our questions.

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-Weazel News

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1/10/2020

 

Spice Lee and Big Arnie

 

Serial conspiracy theorist ‘Chief inspector sergeant professor CSI Jones’ revealed to Weazel News today, that he does in fact believe the moon landings were a hoax. He also added that he has the hoax pictures as his PD desktop wallpaper. He denied any evidence that he knows what happened to the CCTV from Legion square showing incriminating evidence of aliens. But he did say “The truth is out there.” He then slandered Weazel News as fake news while ripping open his shirt to reveal a I ❤️ Donald Trump t-shirt underneath.

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Reporter Teddy Wrinkle continued to quiz him on the recent allegations against Officer Chris Lee, where he made this statement “I am extremely disappointed in his alcohol abuse, and just him in general.” To which a fellow officer known only other as Big Arnie commented “I know for a fact that he is covering for Mick the spice lord, he is above Mick, Chris Lee is the spice Godfather.”

Big Arnie then went on to comment about his and Chief inspector sergeant professor CSI Jones’ provocative Wednesday nights where they give each other fake names, for one night only. “He calls me Susan.” Big Arnie said. “The only person able to beat Big Arnie is Lucas Marshall.” He said. Weazel News was unclear in which terms he meant but we can only assume that Lucas Marshall is also no stranger to these wild Wednesday nights where anything can happen.

 

Later that evening Weazel News discovered there are unconfirmed reported of Chris Lee putting spice up his bum.

 

More to come.

 

-Weazel News

 

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Teddy Winkle

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Tuesday 29th September 

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Shocking events last night as Police arrested Officer Chris Lee. Officer Lee has been the main suspect in multiple Police operations for some time now, some of these operations have been reported right here on Weazel News. Officer Lee was searched by Police and was not found to be carrying anything illegal, however Lee did have large sums of money on his person. It is understood that Lee had just sold a number of Combat Pistols to criminal enterprises operating across Los Santos. The Police on this occasion were forced to take no action on Lee despite the damming evidence and witness testimonies of his continued wrongdoing. Teddy Wrinkle of Weazel news commented the following "To me, this seems like Chris Lee is just a pawn in an ever growing criminal operation orchestrated from Police command. Chris is a good earner for them and so they will do everything in their power to turn a blind eye."

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Teddy also managed to secure an interview with a new 'Gang' in Los Santos , the Monks. Monk leader Tinkey Winkey advised Weazel News that they were in fact responsible for Officer Lee's shooting last week. "We shot Lee, the man is a C**T! he sells us guns and Police intel and then gets assigned an undercover role trying to infiltrate our gang- like we wouldn't know who he is!". Mr Winkey went on to advise that he didn't want any mention of known Biker Gang 'The Lost' to be added to any statements. "Don't put anything in there about the Lost OK Teddy." Staying true to his word Teddy has not added any comments regarding the Monks current or future relationship with The Lost. The Monks ended the interview by shouting they were going to murder both James Smith and Ross Andrews, Weazel News has been unable to verify who these individuals are and so sadly they may have already been killed. 

 

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Spice Drug Lord 'Mick Surf' gave a rare interview in the afternoon. Mick was accompanied by a man who clearly was feeling the effects of Mick's special recipe Spice. Weazel News paid for Special Translators who were well versed in the liverpudlian accent, they were able to decipher the following snippets of the conversation "Spice is my thing, my spice is the special recipe my mate, we are friends, I am friends with everyone". During the interview a number of Spice Zombies staggered over to asses what their leader was taking about. It was at this point the interview took a rare and very sombre note, Mick with tears in his eyes said the following "If that is my spice doing that to legion ,then I need to stop selling it". Time will only tell if the Spice Lord will hand over his Crown of thorns. 

Don't forget our reporter Teddy Wrinkle is looking for your letters to put into future Weazel News additions, if you have a problem we have the answer. Weazel News coming in your eye.   

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Teddy Winkle

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Sunday 4th October 

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Los Santos PD find themselves in a media storm tonight after a Police Officer confessed to Weazel News that he often "Pleasures" himself when arresting innocent individuals. The Officer in Question 3321 is currently the subject of an internal Police investigation alongside a formal IOPC complaint. The Officers deviant conduct will of cause shock many however, more shocking was the officers conduct post confession. "He knew he had said the wrong thing to the wrong reporter" Teddy Wrinkle said, "I asked him to explain how and why he felt that unleashing his 'Lad' up against the backs of people in handcuffs was appropriate behaviour." In response to this the Officer took a sinister smile and said "I like them to know they are powerless to stop my humble phallus brushing up against them while I grope all over their restrained bodies." Teddy on hearing such a foul and grotesque statement headed back to Weazel News HQ to report his findings to Editor in Chief Eva Sinclair. The Weazel News team headed straight to the Los Santos PD to demand answers.

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Weazel News were met by Officer Speechless who immediately tried to retract Officer 3321's comments. Sadly for Speechless  fellow officers were already aware of PC Perverts abhorrent behaviour and concurred with Weazel News documentation of the facts. "I will start an investigation into this officers conduct. On this occasion it seems to have fallen well below the standards we set out officers." was the go to generic response provided. Whist Weazel News awaits the outcome of this biased and subpar investigation they would urge Los Santos PD to publicly comment on why Officer 3321 has been able to abuse his trusted position of power for so long. This story will no doubt raise concerns within the local community, the public want and deserve answers. If you have been the victim of PC 3321 Weazel News wants to hear from you, Please drop by our HQ where we can talk through his abuse of power and provide adequate support to aid in your recovery.

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Teddy Winkle

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In other more pleasant news Weazel News interviewed the owner of the new The Downtown Cab Company (TDCC).  Weazel News interviewed TDCC CEO Joshua Nicholls. Josh gave a delightful tour of the premises and showcased the new look Cars his team will be using. Weazel News was impressed to see only minor bodily fluids on the back seats. Josh has advised that Weazel News readers can benefit from a 30% discount on all fares when quoting Weazel on your next booking.       

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Teddy Winkle

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Sunday 11th October 

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Disgusting scenes were witnessed, and experienced yesterday at the slimy hands of none other than PC Pervert. Our Reporter Teddy Wrinkle was wondering past Pillbox Hospital after attending a charity event raising money for sick children when he encountered PC Ace Hunter (PC Pervert). "I saw him standing by the Hospital, following our recent reports I just wanted to get his side of the story" said Teddy. Sadly after a polite introduction and request for comment what happened next can only be descried as a life changing event for poor Teddy. "He shouted at me 'YOU WANT A COMMENT DO YOU!!' he then threw me in the back of his Police car and climbed into the back seat, he looked greasy and had a possessed look in his eye" Through tears Teddy continued, "then he licked his lips and said 'Ill give you a comment'. By a sheer miracle another officer pulled up to the car Teddy and PC Pervert was in. "He then jumped out of the car and started saying he had put me in there by mistake. I didn't feel at all safe so I ran home as fast as I could". Thankfully on this occasion Teddy had been saved from whatever vile act Mr Hunter was planning.

Weazel News has continued to request an official comment from Police Command as to why this officer remains on active duty, the assumption now is that they are complicit with his devious actions.

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12/10/2020

 

Weazel News were approached for the first time today with a breaking story minutes after it happened. A man known only as “Vir” Came forward to give this following controversial statement:

 

“I was in Legion square, and suddenly, I heard this bush rustling behind a wall. So naturally I went to look at what it was. I heard some whispering and some giggling and none other than two police officers emerged from it.”

 

Weazel News pressed Vir for more information, our mouths on the floor as he confirmed these two officers were in fact in full uniform and on duty while frequenting said bush. “Yeah they were in full uniform and one was female, one of her hands were in police issued handcuffs and the other officer shuffled with his trousers and they scattered from the bush looking extremely embarrassed with themselves for being caught.”

 

Vir then proceeded to provide Weazel News with a video of the events, although private property so we can’t share it, we can confirm after using our video editing software and zooming in the two officers were kissing and grasping at each others hair before being discovered. We can only conclude that the LSPD, yet again, is tolerant of indecent exposure whilst allowing police officers like PC Pervert to get "pleasure" from handcuffing innocent civilians and uniformed public displays of affection amongst officers in the most open of spaces within our city.

 

If you have seen a story and you want to share it, you can reach us on twitter or on the phones.

 

Weazel News coming in your eye.

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Teddy Winkle

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Sunday 25th October

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In an unprecedented economic downfall, three men have successfully opened up their first joint business venture. Messrs Jeff Shawshank, Mick Surf and Connor Great have pulled together and opened 'Bean Machine' Los Santos first Coffee shop. The small but adequate premises can be found on the corner of Legion Sq. and will be open on a 24/7 basis. Mr Surf advised that *all* are welcome to come and try their soon to be famous smoothies and for a limited time only can try one with discount code "Spice" (T&Cs Apply). The Bean Machine management team are also currently running a competition to name a stray cat who has recently taken up residence in the shop, entries can be made through the company's Discord channel.

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*All residents of Los Santos are welcome to Bean Machine apart from one PC Chris Lee - Bean Machine is a legitimate business and does not condone the sale of Combat Pistols on its premises. Chris Lee is able to purchase a drink but must consume this outside of the shop and will not be allowed in for extended periods of time.  

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1st November 

A lawless couple of evenings in Los Santos this weekend, Weazel News has too many attempted and actual murders to report on so will only provided a high level overview: 

The Police- 1 Everyone else- 0.

Weazel News suffered multiple casualties, so extreme in fact, that the last member of staff alive has now been appointed to the role of Editor in Chief, Teddy Wrinkle. Mr Wrinkle had the following to say upon taking on his new role. "As the new head of a News company with no staff I would like to open the floodgates of applications to join the Team, I can offer competitive salaries to the right candidates. I am on the look out for anyone that can get the truth from the untruthful, stand their ground in challenging situations and can then tell their story in their own words in a way that keeps the audience engaged. Due to legal reasons, applicants must be over the age of 18 and hold a valid UK driving licence. On the job training will be provided."

If you are interested in joining one of Los Santos most rewarding and enjoyable professions please seek out Teddy Wrinkle to arrange an interview at Weazel News HQ. 

This has Teddy Wrinkle, Editor in Chief of Weazel News, Coming in your eye.           

  

 

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ConnorTheGreatt

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Our loyal readers, we have some catching up to do! Over the last few weeks, the Weazel News team has been thoroughly digging and investigating, in order to bring YOU the most controversial and outrageous stories that Los Santos has to offer. Please find below some recent headlines and breaking news stories. We hope you enjoy.

 

Are you keen to ignite your journalistic fire? Join the Weazel News team today! Contact Editor-in-Chief, Teddy Winkle. We are always looking for skilled and dedicated reporters!.

Do you want to help provide the island with a comprehensive news service, but don't want a job? You still can! Contact the 'Weazel News Helpline' on your phone whenever you witness something interesting or downright shocking!

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Will Boston. A Beast?

Shocking news has emerged from Legion Square, regarding Will Boston - who is the self proclaimed 'Number One Criminal'. Images taken by Weazel News appear to show Mr Boston, abducting a child at gunpoint, and subsequently using said minor as leverage in a robbery at the nearby 'FLEECA Bank'. This despicable act thankfully didn't result in any injuries. Thanks to Weazel News raising the alarm, officers were able to safely retrieve the hostage from within the bank, however Mr Boston fled the scene.

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Callaghan or Kiff?

 

John Kiff. The islands biggest 'simp'. Shunned by many women for his outlandish approach to flirting. But times have changed. Weazel News now have proof that his abrupt flirting, and audacious attempts to 'woo' women have worked. 

A Weazel News Exclusive, taken by one of our reporters, shows a Mrs Scarlett Callaghan (spouse of John Callaghan, the film producer), getting into Mr John Kiff's grey Mercedes. The Mercedes then sped out of sight, almost as if they were trying to hide something. 

Mr Kiff, a rip-off second hand car dealer, believed to be part of 'The Commission', later posted on social media, showing a picture of himself and Scarlett arm in arm. This picture went viral, gaining over 15 likes instantly. It's clear Los Santos loves some relationship drama. This is why Weazel News are following the story closely.

So far there has been no official statement from the Callaghan Estate, however a close family friend has told us that things have been tense between the couple ever since John started sleeping fully clothed in his tailored suit and faux leather gloves. 

Should these two John's ever meet, the gloves may well be off. 

 

We're keen to get our readers views on this. Write in to our Editor-in-Chief with your opinions. Would you swap a tailored suit for a baseball jacket? Could the tailored suit be compensating for something? Let Us Know! 

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Gruppe Sechs take No 'Scheisse'

 

A recent trip to HMP Bolingbroke from one of our reporters yielded some very inspiring and reassuring discoveries. During our visit, we discovered that Gruppe Sechs, the no nonsense Germanic/Irish company in charge of the prison security, were really serious on dishing out appropriate punishments to the scumbag prisoners within their care. 

They do not shy away from some good ol' fashioned beatings. This will be reassuring to the public, as those criminals who owe a debt to society, are repaying it daily at HMP Bolinbroke, in the form of interrogations, force starvation, and worst of all, listening to those horrible 'Irish' accents.

Regardless of your views on 'rehabilitation vs punishment', you can't deny that they get results. Less than 20% of those who serve time, reoffend and end back up in prison.

Critics have said that these numbers are as a result of criminals passing away during their stay due to 'royal rumble events' and other such incidents, however Gruppe Sechs have branded this 'Fake News' and have issued a warning to those critics not to end up in jail, as they may find an ASP Baton mysteriously colliding with their head.

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Porno Pig's Casting Calamity

 

Residents of Los Santos often wonder what Police Officers get up to when they're clocked in but not out on patrol. A reader has had more than an eyeful at what goes on in the PD when criminals are quiet. Having been abhorred by what he saw, he submitted it to Weazel News in order to show the citizens what their tax money goes to.

So, In a Weazel News Exclusive, we bring to you: 'Los Santos Police Officer Casting Couch'. This pornographic film appears to show an officer in his LSPS issued formal uniform, doing disgusting deeds on a free-to-view pornography website. We don't really need to say anymore. We will let the picture speak for itself. We have included a safe for work screenshot of the vile video below. Many thanks to the gentleman who sent this in, however questionable his pornography choices may be.

Weazel News does not know who this officer is, however we have a sneaking suspicion that it may be PC Brick Carstein - The heir to Chris Lee's throne - More on this below.

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               Big thanks to  @Jordanfor this image - Doing his bit to spread news in Los Santos

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The End of an Era

Everyone at Weazel News would like to congratulate Chris Lee, on his promotion to Sergeant!

This promotion was inevitable, with the amount of extra revenue and crime statistics he brought to the force by selling his combat pistols at a mark down price.

 

We here at Weazel News are continuing to investigate the corruption and sleaziness within the Los Santos Police Force, and have turned our attention to the kingpins running the operation. We believe they have selected their new designated Traffic Constable who will be the pawn in their operation.

PC Brick Carstein. We have heard lots of rumours. We are watching you closely.

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Weazel News are currently embroilled in a legal battle with the LSPS, over damages caused by one of their officers (who shall remain un-named whilst court proceedings continue.)

Friday 20:00 GMT, City Hall - Public Trial infront of a panel of Judges.

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Thank you for reading!

Coming in your eye,

Weazel News 

 

 

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Teddy Winkle

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20th October 

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The Cummission

John Kiff, recently mentioned in our article “ Callaghan or Kiff “ has been seen yet again, although this time, not as you would quite expect. Mr Kiff has been caught “ dogging “ behind Bean Machine with no other then the known criminal and fellow gang member to Kiff, Jaffa Benitez.

Mr Benitez, believed to be the leader of the street gang “ The Commission “, can be seen giving oral sexual pleasures to his associate Mr Kiff as well as receiving Mr Kiff. It is clear Mr Kiff is the dominant of the couple.

Weazel News managed to capture a few photos of the incident behind Bean Machine and have also been sent CCTV images from a local shop in the area. An official police statement to weazel news when enquiring about the incident “ This is not the first time we have caught Mr Benitez and Mr Kiff performing sexual acts on one another in a public place, when questioned Mr Benitez and Mr Kiff both said they “Couldnt help themselves and were unable to resist the urge to rip each others clothes off “

A anonymous source from the commission has provided us with information explaining this has been going on quite some time but the couple do not want their loving and sexual relationship in the public eye as it is “ Bad for business “

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In other News look out for a new Weazel News video, following a very generous donation from Mr Callaghan Weazel will soon be seen on the big screen. 

Edited by Teddy Winkle
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21st October 

Public Apology 

Weazel News must today post a regretful acknowledgement of our failure. We are not too proud to admit when we get things wrong, though we wished and hoped we would never have to write something like this, when the time comes we will stand up and do what is right. We were wrong.

A recent post has drawn a lot of questions across Los Santos, questions like where we got our intel, who we had spoken too, and even some had claimed we had been given fraudulent and falsified documents. I didn't want to believe those that had questions our standards and integrity, but sadly a video has been sent to me that I can not ignore. In the sprit of being open and honest I would like to share this video with you and beg your forgiveness, at the time of writing the previous story the facts we had obtained seemed reliable and truthful. 

Please see the following video: https://youtu.be/WsyfDGKARfQ     

I would like to publicly retract our statement that Chris Lee has turned a new leaf. I feel we mislead you the reader into thinking that his promotion would end a careers worth of destruction and rampage. As very clearly shown in the video, Chris, following his promotion has also promoted himself to Murderer. Without the heroic actions of our beloved NHS our newest and brightest reporter, Connor would not have been able to tell his harrowing tale.

You almost got away with it Chris, almost.

Weazel News continues to stand by all previous reports notwithstanding the aforementioned retraction.    

 

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